Warning(s): Spoilers for S3, some strong language, implied violence and sexual situations.
Disclaimer: If I owned it, I wouldn't be writing things like this.
Summary: The Great Dragon has a few thoughts on Merlin. Namely, why can't he manage anything on his own?
You are really very fond of Merlin, even being the annoying, demanding, needy little twit that he is.
How could you help it, with his destiny, laid before him in shimmering gold, Arthur and Merlin, Merlin and Arthur. They are bound together for all time, where one goes the other must follow, neither man truly whole without the other. It’s so completely gay you could weep.
He breaks your shackles, sets you free into the cool, calm night and you think maybe your part in this marvellous gay destiny is over.
Then the trouble begins.
He is attacked by serkets, through his own blatant stupidity of course. If you’ve told him once you’ve told him a thousand times, the Lady Morgana is not to be trusted. But blindly he stumbles forward, bewitched by her beauty and false tears and she and her good-for-nothing bitch of a sister leave him for dead.
He shows his thanks at rescue by riding you like some common mule. It is degrading and humiliating and you nearly through the smug little bastard off when he starts whooping and screaming right in your ear. You would think the last of the dragonlords would show the last of the dragons a little goddamn respect. Not so.
He doesn’t even get down with Arthur, despite that nauseating little speeches they give each other. Merlin must be powerful indeed you decide, to resist Arthur. Even the sight of his bare chest, which would undoubtedly break a weaker man, does nothing to Merlin.
The next time he’s warbling on about the Lady Morgana too, he’s finally made good use of himself and knocked the bitch down a flight of stairs, but he’s begging to save her. You won’t do it of course, as far as you’re concerned death’s too good for her. You briefly entertain the idea of slow roasting her. That would be enjoyable, even with the fit those annoying humans would pitch over it.
Merlin abuses his powers, again, and you’re almost sick with rage when he makes you give away a really quite useful little bit of magic, only to waste it on her. Luckily you control yourself, severe burns would do Merlin no good and are unlikely to quell your rage for long.
Later you eat a herd of Camelot’s finest cows and spell out ‘UTHER’ in five foot letters with the bones to make yourself feel better. It causes a right stir and Merlin calls you back to tell you off, like you’ve been a naughty child. Flagrant abuse of his power again, forbidding you to attack any of Camelot's livestock as long as you live. That’s all right though really, the ones in Mercia taste just as good, and Uther is less likely to send his pesky little army after you for eating them.
It is a blessedly long while before you see Merlin again, and you meet a very nice lady wyvern, which is all going swimmingly until Merlin insists Arthur slaughter her. Really she hadn’t caused very much damage to the kingdom at all, and only set fire to two or three villages, five at the most. You thought it was a good date. Romance is wasted on that boy. Honestly, you wonder if he even has anything to do it with, which is disgusting by the way, but this whole gay destiny gig really isn’t going to work out if he can’t even get it up for Arthur.
Soon Merlin is calling you every other week, apparently completely unable to solve and of his problems. You suppose this is the risk of associating with humans. they get too needy, too dependent. But without you Merlin is sure to make a right cock up of his destiny anyway so you appear like a little lap dog, do his bidding, and then retire back to your cave to sulk.
Eventually, you tell yourself, it will be worth it, eventually Arthur will become the greatest king Camelot has ever known and Merlin will be his trusted advisor and he’ll quit fucking up all the time. There might even be some sodomy, but you’ve all but given up on that one since Merlin seems set on being the worlds first asexual.
Then Merlin calls you in tears because Arthur discovered his magic and isn’t taking it as well as you might have hoped. There’s no choice but to take Merlin home with you which is the single most horrible thing you’ve ever had to endure, what with his sniffling and moping and causing rainstorms to stare forlornly into. For a week. A whole week you have to deal with this shit.
Eventually you summon Arthur because even a sword through the heart would be preferable to one more moment spent with Merlin. He’s been writing poetry. You very nearly shoved a claw through your eardrums. He can’t really help it, what with his sad little human emotions but couldn’t he take that shit elsewhere? You don’t hang around his place sobbing about that smoking hot wyvern he had murdered. You deal with your issues like a man (or a male dragon at least), by burning things.
It works out okay in the end though, because Merlin and Arthur decide to get their gay on against the wall, which is revolting, but helps destiny along nicely so you leave them to it and go enjoy a few sheep until they’re finished.
Because really, you are quite fond of Merlin, and he and Arthur will be magnificent together. You’ll make sure of it.